The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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