Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
