people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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