Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
