All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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