he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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