I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
