I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
