I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
