saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
