I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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