Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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