make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
