Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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