FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
