The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
