did you get engaged???
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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