I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
