Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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