All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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