Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
