my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
