you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
