Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
