i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
