I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
