Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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