I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
