my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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