you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
