Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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