I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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