sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
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