when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
