chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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