I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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