and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
