Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
