Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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