My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
and you fell through a lawn chair
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
