She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
