i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
