I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
