Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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