I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
17 year olds will be the death of me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
