is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
