I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
