four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
