I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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