I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
