I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
