I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
