I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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