You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
