I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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